Life is a Rollercoaster

To quote Ronan Keating… This phrase is cheesy yet so unbelievably true. Events, feelings, people… These can all have a positive or negative impact on our life – the constant turbulence yet incredible joy that living brings.

Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. It can be filled with intense pain one day and unimaginable excitement the next. It can be tough but there’s always a light at the end. It’s easy to forget the happy moments when we’re feeling sad – but it’s these moments that remind us that life is worth living. That we have so much to give, that our experiences are unique and special, that joy can be found in the smallest of moments.

It’s times like these – a hot cup of tea, a walk by the sea, a beer with good friends – it’s these small things that are a constant reminder of why we live.

Of why we walk on this earth.

There’s so much to explore, so much to discover.

The below snippets reflect the highs and lows I have experienced recently – and yet I always seem to find a way back. I always find myself back at the top after plummeting downwards so quickly – because this is life, this is the rollercoaster we’re living.

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The crash of the waves in front of me. I close my eyes and imagine.

Walking forwards, into the cold, me feet grazing the surface of the sand. Feeling the ebb and flow of waves as they come and meet me. Slowly pushing myself into the deep blue ocean.

Wading out, the cold seeping around my ankles, my knees, my thighs.

I can feel the cold encasing me, delving deep within. My heart hammering in my chest, not wanting to go further. But the urge, the desire to let myself be consumed by nature.

And I dive. Letting the cool smooth waters cover me.

My body encased in the wonder of the sea. I keep swimming down, further down into the depths of silence.

Opening my eyes to the magic of stillness. Of another world. The clear water around me, the saltiness on my lips, my skin. The all encompassing coolness of the water. I see this world, the fish, the sand on the ocean bed. The movement of waves, the tide. Floating, floating.

And I feel the stillness. I absorb the nothingness. Let myself be still in this world. Looking up at the light shining through the surface, the bubbles leaving my mouth. Floating in this vast expanse of another life.

Letting the quiet and the calm fill me. Consume me until I feel triumphant.

And I continue to look up. Slowly floating up towards the surface. Slowly letting me come back to life.

And I burst through back to air. To a world. Bringing me back to my senses. The breeze against my cold face, the bright sun warming my skin. I swim back to the beach, back to existence. Back to the sounds of life and love and beauty that this world has to offer.

And my feet touch the sand. Wading back to the shores.

It’s like my body, my mind, have become transformed into another being.

It’s like my mind has been reborn into something new.

The calm stays with me, the moment doesn’t fade.

And I open my eyes to reality. To the sound of cars behind me. To the sound of the waves crashing against the sand. To the feeling of the wind against my neck and my back. To the feeling of the harsh wall beneath me, this scene around me.

But this feeling of calm, of a beautiful serenity stays with me.

And I take this feeling and come back to life.

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I’m feeling unnerved. Like my mind is so full that it’s bubbling over into the abyss.

It’s like my mind is covered in a thick cloud. A cotton wool. A substance that won’t let me breathe.

And I try and concentrate. I try and remain calm, try and let myself be absorbed into the sounds around me.

But I’m struggling. I’m struggling to make sense of my thoughts, my emotions, the things I want and don’t want. The things I’m proud to have in my life – the things that make my life completely my own.

But what is my life?

I sit and look around me. The jelly fish in the sea – the amazing pink and white colour against the grey of the water. It pulsates as it moves – almost sickening. Yet mesmerising. The tiny fish swimming close by, the clear blobs floating on the surface of the water. Dots of leaves, of bubbles. I keep looking down – keep looking into the water. Even this moment doesn’t soothe me like it usually does.

Even this moment can’t make me love me.

Too many thoughts. Too many feelings going round and round until I can’t make sense of it anymore.

I think about letting go. About falling, about diving straight into the depths below. Letting the cold and the silence overwhelm me. Letting it soak through me until I feel nothing else.

But what makes me stop?

A willingness.

A willingness to not let me be taken. A willingness to let me live. A willingness to get through today and be open about tomorrow.

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**

It’s like there’s a loud speaker in my head.

Telling me things over and over, winding me up like a clock, making me believe things that aren’t true.

A whirlpool. A hurricane. An earthquake.

My mind collapsing in on itself, breaking into pieces. Falling away from who I really am.

I’ve run out of medication. The pill that makes me forget, helps me fall into a slumber that’s not marred by destruction and pain.

I try.

I listen to my breathing. Trace the thoughts into nothing. But I can’t fight the awakened force of my mind.

A force that repeats negativity, that makes me question the things that are great in my life. Makes me wonder why I’m worthy, makes me forget the good in the world around me.

The present, the past, the future. It all merges into one big mess. A mess that I can’t comprehend, a mess where there’s no light, no feeling, no life. There’s only darkness.

A darkness that consumes. Falling on me like a thick blanket, too heavy to remove.

And I feel suffocated. Suffocated by this life I try to live. A life filled with a good I know exists and yet in this moment feels so out of reach.

I become encased in the negativity that keeps building in me. Like a monster that is slowly wrapping its wretched tentacles around me, forcing me under.

And I fall into the dark.

**

 

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It’s moments like this that I feel alive.

Perched on a rock overlooking Mount Doom. The clouds sweeping past the mountain, revealing its magnificent conical shape against the vibrant blue sky.

The water flowing below.

The wind, the sun.

It’s nature and the sheer enormity of it’s presence. How it comes together in unison, how it all works together to create something so beautiful and so magical.

It’s like mankind destroys it with our presence. So often we don’t appreciate its beauty, so often we take it for granted.

But it’s moments like this. Sitting and accepting and opening myself up to the wonder of what’s around me.

It’s moments like this when I feel alive. When I look upon this scenery and feel so thankful. So grateful that I can appreciate these moments.

Let’s not forget.

Let’s take a moment and sit and soak it in.

Soak in the amazing world around us. Soak in the smells, and sounds and scenery.

Because so often we forget. So often we neglect.

So let’s remember and accept and embrace this incredible world. This incredible life.

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